Why Does My Husband Yell at Me All the Time?

They say marriage is not a bed of roses. Sometimes, it feels more like a battlefield. Fighting does not have to be about throwing punches and breaking the furniture. Some people raise their voices whenever a discussion gets heated because they imagine that is the only way to express their emotions.

Reasons Your Husband Yells at You

Although yelling in a relationship is normal, when it becomes a pattern, it is time to seek solutions. Being yelled at is degrading and traumatizing, especially if it happens all the time. “My husband yells at me in public,” you tell your friends. And in response, they stare at you in bewilderment. They cannot believe that you suffer such humiliation.

But when they ask you why he does so all the time, your mind goes blank. Here are a few reasons to consider.

Anxiety

Anxiety is a self-created experience of fear resulting from focusing on the future. The future holds good and bad things which we are uncertain of, but when you choose to focus on the possibility of bad things happening, you may start feeling worried.

At times, you are likely to get angry over something that has not even happened yet. Your husband could be anxious about the retrenchment going on at his workplace, and he begins fearing he is next on the list. The both of you could have been trying for a baby for many years, and he’s just tired of disappointment.

Anxiety sometimes morphs into anger, and you, as the wife, are likely to be on the receiving end of the outburst. You start to pick up the phone to cry to your mum and confide in her, “My husband shouts at me.” But wait. It is important to try and understand things from his perspective. This move is not to justify his behavior but to know how to respond and avoid the yelling from escalating further.

Childhood Trauma

James Baldwin once said that children have never been good at listening to their elders. However, these little kiddos have never failed to imitate them. Unfortunately, they mimic even bad behavior. If your husband grew up in a home where his parents constantly yelled at him, he might think that is the only way to communicate.

Yelling and harsh parenting affect a child’s brain development such that your husband may process negative information faster and more thoroughly than positivity. If parents yelled at your husband during the childhood years, his interpretation of the world and even of himself is negative.

This implies that his self-esteem has seen severe damage since he was a little boy. Even the slightest adverse event around him can cause him to sink into depression. You will find that he barely responds positively. If you find yourself saying to yourself, “My husband shouts at me even when I ask an innocent question,” this might explain why.

Narcissistic Rage

Unless in an arranged marriage, every relationship should undergo a few stages of dating before culminating in marriage. One stage is reality, at which point you are supposed to notice the flaws in your partner. The curtain of attraction that had been blinding you draws up. As a result, you start seeing your potential spouse for who he is and not who he could become with the right cultivation.

Since the reality stage lasts for six months, you should notice the habits that set you off, including narcissistic rage. A husband who suffers from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is likely to burst into narcissistic rage or silence whenever he feels threatened. When reacting with fury, yelling and screaming are usually among the ways to express anger.

Intimidation Tactic

You may have married someone determined to let you toe the line because that is the only way he can assert his authority as a husband. It is his way or the highway, and intimidating you through yelling has been effective. He has noticed that raising his voice at you has conditioned you into being compliant with his needs and wants.

At times, the intimidation may be through acts that portray a potential for violence. For instance, if you are talking to your husband and, after disagreeing, he bumps his fist into the wall, you are already in danger of domestic violence. The next time, the fist is likely to land on your body.

Have you ever wondered why many women choose to say that they slipped on the bathroom floor while, in reality, their husbands beat them up? Well, the husbands have intimidated them so much that they fear what will happen should they ever disclose what goes on behind closed doors. In such a case, there is no shame in telling the doctor, “My husband yells at me, and at times resorts to violence.”

Short Temper

Sometimes, the most straightforward explanations are the right ones. Anger can be positive when used as fuel to motivate you to achieve your goals. Unfortunately, not many people use anger as a motivator, as most fall into the destructive patterns of uncontrolled rage.

When you have a short-tempered husband, you keep walking on eggshells. You have to keep yourself in check since you do not know if whatever you do or fail to do will trigger him to yell at you. There are many reasons why your husband could have a short temper. It could be strained finances or fatigue. So before concluding that you married a short-tempered man, dig around for the causes of his anger.

What to Do if My Husband Yells at Me

No one likes to be yelled at, whether in public or private. As an adult, you start wondering how your husband perceives you for him to shout at you. So how about learning how you can make him stop the verbal and emotional abuse he has been heaping on you? Don’t feel helpless. Here is what to do when your husband yells at you.

Understand the Cause

Although there is no excuse for your husband’s behavior, you cannot stop it until you know what is causing it. With the various triggers of yelling, you have to sit down and analyze your husband’s pattern.

Have you noticed that when you visit your in-laws, they yell at each other? That could mean your husband learned the behavior from his parents. Perhaps your husband typically shouts at you at the end of the month because his job as an accountant has him working under so much pressure to close the books.

Once you realize that he does not have a problem with you, even when he seems to direct his anger at you, you will learn to stop taking it personally. Most likely, even the emotional hurt he causes may reduce.

Let Him Know That Yelling Hurts Your Feelings

Your husband cannot read your mind to know that your heart breaks every time he raises his voice at you. Communicating your feelings is one of the first steps to stop the yelling. Sit down with him and let him know you cannot accept it anymore, so he has to make some changes.

If you have a husband with low self-esteem, do not put the spotlight on him; otherwise, he will defend his behavior. Instead, talk about you and how yelling makes you feel so that he is open and receptive.

Be an Active Listener

We are often advised to improve our arguments instead of raising our voices whenever we feel unheard. Well, your husband may not understand this, so he raises his voice. You can help him stop by being keen on what he is saying.

All this is not to say you are to blame for his yelling. We have already seen that most of the time, the yelling has nothing to do with you, but rather a projection after being triggered by other factors. So, how about you practice listening actively to whatever your husband is saying?

That way, he will feel heard and not see the need to raise his voice. This is especially important for a husband with low self-esteem who needs to have his feelings validated.

Stay Calm

Two wrongs will never make a right, so if both of you are yelling at each other, the situation will get out of hand. It is tempting to show your husband you can scream, too, but you will only aggravate the situation. Be the bigger person by remaining calm even when provoked because you might worsen the issue, especially when your husband is hot-tempered. In such cases, he might become violent.

Once you have controlled your emotions, respond politely. Your husband will begin to match your energy and slowly stop yelling as he sees he was out of line to do so in the first place.

Walk Away

You know your husband best, and if you feel that you cannot talk to him in the state he is in when yelling at you, it is best to take a step back. Walking away does not mean you are a coward who cannot face the situation. Instead, it helps you gain control by giving your husband time to assess his emotions.

You also gain an opportunity to think about how to respond to your husband objectively rather than in the heat of the moment. Besides, you do not have to torment yourself with the verbal abuse targeted at you by remaining in the line of fire.

Talk About It Later

After walking away, do not let the yelling slide. No, you only walk away to give yourself enough time to perform a mental assessment of the situation. Once you have things thought out, you can talk to your husband without losing your cool. So go back and sit him down.

With both of you calm and collected, the chances of him being receptive and you not provoking him further are higher. Give him the space to talk about why he yelled, and be sure not to interrupt him; otherwise, you will be back to square one. Make him know his feelings are respected, then share your feelings, too, making him aware that the behavior is intolerable on your side.

Do Not Agree With Him Despite His Yelling

You may think that agreeing with whatever your husband is shouting at you about will de-escalate the situation. Well, you are wrong. The minute you start agreeing with him in his yelling phase, you will only assure him that his aggressive behavior works. Once you agree with him, you encourage him to yell whenever he needs you to agree with him on a particular subject.

Avoid Trigger Topics

If you ever visit a therapist with the issue of, “My husband is yelling at me all the time,” your therapist will probably want you to keep a journal to track when the behavior occurs. It is rare for a person to be yelling at another throughout. Hence, with that kind of record, it is easier to know what usually triggers your husband.

Once you notice a pattern, you can attempt to thread carefully when approaching trigger topics. If your husband gets worked up whenever you talk about his family background, bring up the issue with care.

Get Professional Help

About 75% of people who receive anger management therapy improve. Since the treatment relies on cognitive-behavioral therapy, your husband can learn the triggers by being exposed to imaginary situations. A therapist can then help your husband to understand several coping mechanisms.

Furthermore, with psychodynamic therapy, your husband can trace the psychological roots of his emotional distress. Through counseling, anger management programs, or therapy sessions, you can help your husband stop the psychological trauma he is instilling in you by choosing the proper treatment.

You’re in Control

I no longer fall into a frenzy, wondering what to do if my husband yells at me. I’m now in control because I know that I’m not the problem. Take charge of your married life today. Do not be the victim of emotional abuse; you deserve better than to be subjected to constant yelling.